It Clicks!

I've been reading books on single parenting in order to become a better father to my two children.  When there are two parents taking care of the children, neither one of them has to be an expert.  When there is only one parent in the home, all the responsibility falls solely on his/her shoulders.  It can be a daunting task.  I don't want to be one of those dads that just muddles through.  I don't even want to be a good dad.  I want to be a GREAT dad!  One of the books that I am currently working through is Be a Great Divorced Dad by Kenneth N. Condrell.  It is a good book, packed with useful information about the value of fathers, common pit falls and, of particular interest to me, the children's view point on relationships and the divorce.

 One of my greatest fears is loosing my value as a parent or person in my children's eyes (not just when they become teenagers) or having to share my 'fatherhood' with whatever jerk my ex brings home.  This book goes a long way to bring all of this into perspective.  I am my childrens' father.  That will never change and it is hard-wired into them (mentally, spiritually, psychologically, biologically, etc.).  I am as much their daddy in their eyes as they are my children in my eyes.  Other people may come and go, but nothing will ever change that base relationship.  This book goes a long way to explaining that. 

Another idea expressed is that mothers are extremely important in a child's life.  The children may even have a fierce, biologically-driven loyalty to their mother that just can't be explained.  That's okay and perfectly natural.  That does not mean that the father is useless.  On the contrary, the value of the father in a child's life is exceedingly important...valued without measure.  As Condrell puts it, "Mom can clearly be central to a child's life, but that is not enough.  It's never enough, because if Dad is not integral in his child's life, it's as if one of the child's limbs is missing and he is not whole."

Tonight we had the first of many "family meetings".  I discussed some new rules for our home and some chores that we were going to do every day.  I expressed it to the children in the terms that we are a family and families stick together and work together in order to make a home.  I also expressed that the structure would make a more peaceful environment as everyone would have a purpouse and nobody would have any confusion about what needed to be done. 

I invited comments and questions and just let everything flow freely.  I let them ask 'kid-type' questions.  I acknowledged all feelings and comments as legitimate and super important because, well, they are.  I also let them make mistakes...I didn't demand perfection from them.  Surprisingly, the kids were both very engaged in the whole process.  They were even excited.  Peanut added a rule to the list of family rules. The short of it is that I feel great.  I feel that tonight was a rousing success.  I feel hopeful and at peace about our family.

Our Family's new rules:

1.  Ask before you borrow someone else's stuff.

2.  Don't hurt anybody else.

3.  Don't say hurtful things.

4.  Don't say bad words.

5.  We do our homework every night after dinner and before bed.

6.  We do all our chores before bed.

7.  Bed time is at 9:00 (at the absolute latest).

8.  Get ready for school on time in the morning.

"Parents are already their children's superheroes.  They just have to act like it."  -- Unknown.

America's Favorite Pastime

Peanut went on a field trip to Minute Maid Park over the summer with the rest of his daycare group.  Pretty cool field trip, huh?  The tour guides let the kids run out onto the field and took them to all the behind the scenes places in the stadium.  It apparently impressed him quite a bit because he has wanted me to take him to a game ever since.  So, this past Friday, Peanut, Muffin, KK and I went to watch the Houston Astros beat the Colorado Rockies 11 to 2.

I got seats on the top deck because I figured that the kids would get bored and want to leave early.  Instead, the kids had a blast and we stayed for the whole game, ducking out just before the scary fireworks went off.   Muffin enjoyed all of the screaming and screamed herself hoarse.  Peanut and Muffin both enjoyed the popcorn and snow cones.  Peanut even had a glove ready in case a pop fly came our way.  I hope that one day he will have the opportunity to catch a ball.  We had a great time and the kids have expressed a desire to go to more games.  Peanut even wants to try the Dynamos and the Texans.

Clean Out

--May 24, 2011--

TL came to clean out all of her teaching stuff this past Saturday.  I had bins of it stacked 3 by 5 deep and floor to ceiling.  Most of it was, although useful to a teacher and a special needs student, trash.  Pieces of stuff cobbled together to make a cheap workstation…Let’s face it, teachers don’t make enough money to go out and by expensive production batch stuff.  I have to admit, most of it was pretty clever…she had made a lot of neat work jobs for her students out of discarded materials.  But this stuff was trash…I couldn’t sell it and I couldn’t give it to the Goodwill.  It was also trash to me because it was cluttering up my home and was an uncomfortable memory from the past. 

Within the mountains of trash, there were also some toys, purses, workbooks, notebooks and crayons.  Some of this stuff was useable and I had initially thought that I would go through everything and separate out the useful items for the Goodwill and discard the rest.

I went to Wal-Mart and bought some heavy, black contractor bags.  They were large, 55 gallon bags.  I opened one up and started tossing things in, determined to separate out the items.  Before long, I was tossing everything in that I could get my hands on.  So much for separation.  I decided that I just wanted to get the job done.  This was still an emotionally difficult and painful job.  Within half an hour, I had bagged up everything that had made that mountain and that painful job was done.  My garage was also uncluttered and ready to be used in anyway that I wanted.

Had I thrown away some good items?  Yes.  Could some of those items be used by other people?  Yes.  Will they now instead go to the landfill?  Yes.  Do I believe that my life and well-being is more important that a hundred or so pounds of inanimate stuff that will eventually wind up in the landfill anyway?  A resounding yes!

I’ve found that part of the healing process in recovering from a divorce and other mental or physical monsters is to first clean out your environment.  Only by removing the sources of heart ache and the burdens of clutter can you hope to heal.  You can’t heal with painful memories staring you in the face.  You can’t heal by wading through mountains of useless stuff (especially if it belonged to someone else).  You can only effectively do wonderful things in the world, work and at home if you are healed and at peace…mentally and physically.

 

How can you make a difference in life (by recycling, gardening, volunteering, giving to charity, etc) if your own life is a nightmare?  How can you reap any of the benefits from these actions if the benefits are just going to be a drop in the comprehensive ocean of your cluttered mind and life-style?

First clean out your life and then work on making a difference.  You have to set limits for what is okay and what isn’t.  You have to give yourself permission to waste, to not recycle to throw away…especially if your mental, physical and emotional states are in havoc because of the clutter.  You have to make an exception.  I call this the Exception Rule.  Once you are back in order, you can make plans to recycle, to organize, to do everything else that brings you peace.