It Clicks!

I've been reading books on single parenting in order to become a better father to my two children.  When there are two parents taking care of the children, neither one of them has to be an expert.  When there is only one parent in the home, all the responsibility falls solely on his/her shoulders.  It can be a daunting task.  I don't want to be one of those dads that just muddles through.  I don't even want to be a good dad.  I want to be a GREAT dad!  One of the books that I am currently working through is Be a Great Divorced Dad by Kenneth N. Condrell.  It is a good book, packed with useful information about the value of fathers, common pit falls and, of particular interest to me, the children's view point on relationships and the divorce.

 One of my greatest fears is loosing my value as a parent or person in my children's eyes (not just when they become teenagers) or having to share my 'fatherhood' with whatever jerk my ex brings home.  This book goes a long way to bring all of this into perspective.  I am my childrens' father.  That will never change and it is hard-wired into them (mentally, spiritually, psychologically, biologically, etc.).  I am as much their daddy in their eyes as they are my children in my eyes.  Other people may come and go, but nothing will ever change that base relationship.  This book goes a long way to explaining that. 

Another idea expressed is that mothers are extremely important in a child's life.  The children may even have a fierce, biologically-driven loyalty to their mother that just can't be explained.  That's okay and perfectly natural.  That does not mean that the father is useless.  On the contrary, the value of the father in a child's life is exceedingly important...valued without measure.  As Condrell puts it, "Mom can clearly be central to a child's life, but that is not enough.  It's never enough, because if Dad is not integral in his child's life, it's as if one of the child's limbs is missing and he is not whole."

Tonight we had the first of many "family meetings".  I discussed some new rules for our home and some chores that we were going to do every day.  I expressed it to the children in the terms that we are a family and families stick together and work together in order to make a home.  I also expressed that the structure would make a more peaceful environment as everyone would have a purpouse and nobody would have any confusion about what needed to be done. 

I invited comments and questions and just let everything flow freely.  I let them ask 'kid-type' questions.  I acknowledged all feelings and comments as legitimate and super important because, well, they are.  I also let them make mistakes...I didn't demand perfection from them.  Surprisingly, the kids were both very engaged in the whole process.  They were even excited.  Peanut added a rule to the list of family rules. The short of it is that I feel great.  I feel that tonight was a rousing success.  I feel hopeful and at peace about our family.

Our Family's new rules:

1.  Ask before you borrow someone else's stuff.

2.  Don't hurt anybody else.

3.  Don't say hurtful things.

4.  Don't say bad words.

5.  We do our homework every night after dinner and before bed.

6.  We do all our chores before bed.

7.  Bed time is at 9:00 (at the absolute latest).

8.  Get ready for school on time in the morning.

"Parents are already their children's superheroes.  They just have to act like it."  -- Unknown.

America's Favorite Pastime

Peanut went on a field trip to Minute Maid Park over the summer with the rest of his daycare group.  Pretty cool field trip, huh?  The tour guides let the kids run out onto the field and took them to all the behind the scenes places in the stadium.  It apparently impressed him quite a bit because he has wanted me to take him to a game ever since.  So, this past Friday, Peanut, Muffin, KK and I went to watch the Houston Astros beat the Colorado Rockies 11 to 2.

I got seats on the top deck because I figured that the kids would get bored and want to leave early.  Instead, the kids had a blast and we stayed for the whole game, ducking out just before the scary fireworks went off.   Muffin enjoyed all of the screaming and screamed herself hoarse.  Peanut and Muffin both enjoyed the popcorn and snow cones.  Peanut even had a glove ready in case a pop fly came our way.  I hope that one day he will have the opportunity to catch a ball.  We had a great time and the kids have expressed a desire to go to more games.  Peanut even wants to try the Dynamos and the Texans.

Clean Out

--May 24, 2011--

TL came to clean out all of her teaching stuff this past Saturday.  I had bins of it stacked 3 by 5 deep and floor to ceiling.  Most of it was, although useful to a teacher and a special needs student, trash.  Pieces of stuff cobbled together to make a cheap workstation…Let’s face it, teachers don’t make enough money to go out and by expensive production batch stuff.  I have to admit, most of it was pretty clever…she had made a lot of neat work jobs for her students out of discarded materials.  But this stuff was trash…I couldn’t sell it and I couldn’t give it to the Goodwill.  It was also trash to me because it was cluttering up my home and was an uncomfortable memory from the past. 

Within the mountains of trash, there were also some toys, purses, workbooks, notebooks and crayons.  Some of this stuff was useable and I had initially thought that I would go through everything and separate out the useful items for the Goodwill and discard the rest.

I went to Wal-Mart and bought some heavy, black contractor bags.  They were large, 55 gallon bags.  I opened one up and started tossing things in, determined to separate out the items.  Before long, I was tossing everything in that I could get my hands on.  So much for separation.  I decided that I just wanted to get the job done.  This was still an emotionally difficult and painful job.  Within half an hour, I had bagged up everything that had made that mountain and that painful job was done.  My garage was also uncluttered and ready to be used in anyway that I wanted.

Had I thrown away some good items?  Yes.  Could some of those items be used by other people?  Yes.  Will they now instead go to the landfill?  Yes.  Do I believe that my life and well-being is more important that a hundred or so pounds of inanimate stuff that will eventually wind up in the landfill anyway?  A resounding yes!

I’ve found that part of the healing process in recovering from a divorce and other mental or physical monsters is to first clean out your environment.  Only by removing the sources of heart ache and the burdens of clutter can you hope to heal.  You can’t heal with painful memories staring you in the face.  You can’t heal by wading through mountains of useless stuff (especially if it belonged to someone else).  You can only effectively do wonderful things in the world, work and at home if you are healed and at peace…mentally and physically.

 

How can you make a difference in life (by recycling, gardening, volunteering, giving to charity, etc) if your own life is a nightmare?  How can you reap any of the benefits from these actions if the benefits are just going to be a drop in the comprehensive ocean of your cluttered mind and life-style?

First clean out your life and then work on making a difference.  You have to set limits for what is okay and what isn’t.  You have to give yourself permission to waste, to not recycle to throw away…especially if your mental, physical and emotional states are in havoc because of the clutter.  You have to make an exception.  I call this the Exception Rule.  Once you are back in order, you can make plans to recycle, to organize, to do everything else that brings you peace.

It's over...

The divorce was finalized yesterday.  My dad and uncle went with me to the court house and sat in the back while my attorney and I talked with the judge.  The whole thing was over in about 3 minutes.  Streamlined efficiency.  A pretty sad commentary on the state of our culture.  Anyway, I had two observations:

1)  Since I had to swear to tell the truth, I realized that our marriage began and ended with an "I do".

2)  The courtroom was old and dingy.  Stark contrast to the church where we had our ceremony...flowers, gifts, food, smiles, white...everywhere.

After the ruling, I texted TL and just said, "It's over".

My dad, uncle and I then went out for Chinese food, dropped my uncle off at home and then home to play with the kids.

New Paths...

Okay, so these posts are a little late.  Life has really gotten in the way lately.

First up... Muffin's first day of school was on Tuesday, February 15th.  She really seems to love school and came home exhausted the first couple of days.  Upon walking into the house, she went straight to her room, laid down in bed and feel asleep.  She has been complaining of her legs being sore.  That means she is playing and learning...something that she has needed to do for a long time. 

First day jitters

On Saturday, February 19th, TL moved out of the house.  I took the kids to Galveston because I didn't want them to be there to see mommy move out.  I didn't want to be there either.  The kids were really slow to get ready, so we were there when people showed up to start moving stuff.  Seeing everything being moved out was sader than I had anticipated and I was down for the rest of the day.

We had a good time in Galveston.  We spent some time at Col. Bupee's Military Surplus and then ate lunch with Merriwether and crew at the Fisherman's Warf.  Muffin proceeded to call mommy on her half-eaten grilled cheese sandwich.

Peir 21

Important call

Then we came home and the house was quiet and empty.  It seemed more empty than usual, but it was nice not to have to listen to TL talk to her boyfriend.  I took the kids to her apartment to see their new beds and the kids were really excited about everything.  I decided to let them stay there for the night.  I didn't want them to see daddy's house as a chore or a disappointment.  The kids had a good night and I got them the next day.  They seem to be happy about everything, so I'm confident that things will work out.

Week of Peace

Thelma left for the week to visit a "friend" in New Mexico.  The kids and I stayed home and had a wonderful time.  Things that we did:

1.  Divorce Care -- Peanut and I went and had a great time.  He was very excited after I picked him up from his class and told me that he wanted to continue going (this is after he told me that going to church on a Tuesday was a crazy idea).  I think that the men's program is going to be invaluable to me as I continue to heal.  I was given a work book with homework assignments.  I have been doing my homework and it has been very helpful.  Muffin stayed with our friend, The Good Doctor, and had a great time.

2.  ShelfReliance Party -- The kids and I went to visit Merriweather at an Avon party for paranoid weirdos.  I fit right in and had a terrific time.  There were lots of kids there and they all ran up and down the stairs screaming at the tops of their lungs.  It was the loudest party that I've ever been to with the exception of several during my college years.  I don't remember most of those, so I can't tell you how loud or quiet those were.  I'm thinking of signing up for the "Q".  It works just like Netflix, except they send you survival foods and equipment instead of zombie movies. 

3.  Grocery store -- The kids were so well behaved and easy to manage.  Peanut got all of the items off of the shelves for me and gave them to Muffin who put them in the cart.  (Note that she was also in the cart).

4.  Misc -- Mostly we just hung out and played dollhouse and batcave, lots of Mario Cart, watched lots of movies (mainly Peeps) and relaxed.

5.  Neighbor's birthday party -- they had a big trampoline....Awesome!  Enough said.

6.  Mainly, we just enjoyed each other's company... I have the greatest kids in the world. 

Thelma came back from New Mexico yesterday.  It has been uncomfortable with her back in the house.  We are just about done with our divorce decree document, so I would expect that matters will be finalized within the next couple of weeks.  As much as I want all of this to be over, the finality and death of this relationship still saddens me.    I feel sort of like Frodo as he struggled up the mountain alone after he parted ways with Sam and Golem fell of the cliff.  It will be over soon, but I go on because I must.  I have to.



 That being said, I'm looking forward to the future and have made a list of all of the things that I want to do and experience as I heal.  I've got trips planned, projects for the house and garden, fishing trips to take, time to share with my awesome kids and lots of personal time.  In the mean time, I've got a new PS3 to keep me busy.  It's good to have another world to descend into when I need an escape.

As a final thought, God is good and faithful and, even in this horrible situation, Blessed be His Name!

Wet behind the ears...

Muffin caught her very first fish today on a piece of ham.  It was a small bream ("brim" as we always called them).  There were squeals of delight from both Muffin and Peanut.  She was very proud of herself as I snapped this picture.

Note:  This picture was taken approximately 5 minutes before Muffin stepped over the water's edge and went all the way to the bottom.  I pulled her out almost as quickly as she went in, but she was completely soaked.  She was wearing a sweater and a heavy coat and her new shoes.  It was a cool day (in the 50's) with a breeze.  Needless to say, it was a very cold and fast paced walk back home to a warm bath.

Peanut pulled two fish out of the water but they both fell off of the hook before we could grab them.  The first one got off by itself.  The second one fell off due to Peanut's vigorous agitation of the fishing pole.